Divorcing Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
When you and your partner are going through a divorce, you may be dealing with tension, frustration, or other complicated feelings as you work through the process. From navigating different ideas about parenting time plans to negotiating the distribution of marital assets, it can take a great deal of patience and support to come out the other side.
Divorce is complicated enough, but when your spouse deals with mental illness, it can add to the stress on both sides. One of the more challenging mental illness diagnoses to cope with during a divorce is borderline personality disorder.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that can stem from certain types of childhood trauma. BPD persistently affects a person’s emotional stability and decision-making skills, which results in difficulty maintaining healthy personal relationships.
Common symptoms of borderline personality disorder include:
- Strong, persistent fear of rejection and abandonment, often going to extreme measures to avoid it
- Patterns of intense but unstable relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or familial
- Patterns of rapid change in self-identity and self-image
- Disassociation, depersonalization, or derealization (detachment from one’s surroundings)
- Suicidal threats or self-injury, at times in response to fear of rejection
- Mood swings, intense bouts of anger, and paranoia
- Ongoing feelings of emptiness
- Difficulty controlling impulses
The divorce rate for marriages that include a spouse with BPD is no higher than the national average, but supporting a person with borderline personality disorder can create unique stressors for their marriage. The spouse with BPD may engage in hurtful or dangerous behaviors, such as unsafe sex outside of the marriage, reckless driving, or substance abuse.
While it can be tempting during a divorce to read a list of symptoms and diagnose someone with a condition, having one or more symptoms does not mean that you or your partner are experiencing BPD. Discuss your concerns with your divorce attorney for legal guidance, but remember that mental health professionals are the best resource for diagnoses and treatment options.
Divorcing a spouse with BPD can be high-conflict
Divorce poses the potential of significant stress for any couple, but divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder can be especially grueling. Even if your spouse’s mental illness does not contribute to your decision, the end of a marriage could trigger an episode.
As feelings of abandonment arise, the spouse with BPD may become volatile, aggressive, or even violent. Your spouse may alternate between harassing or belittling you and making grand gestures to convince you to stay. The spouse with BPD could call or text relentlessly or show up at your place of employment, begging for reconciliation.
Because people with borderline personality disorder may have difficulty understanding another person’s perspective, they may not realize how emotionally exhausting these interactions are for you.
Signs of high-conflict divorces
Not all divorces that involve a party with BPD are high-conflict, but there is a greater potential for it if the party with BPD isn’t actively seeking treatment for their condition. “High-conflict” is a term for divorces characterized by hostile, aggressive fighting.
Signs of a high-conflict divorce include one or both parties:
- Frequently placing blame on others
- Trying to manipulate or control others
- Struggling to accept responsibility or face accountability
- Engaging in threats and explosive fighting
It’s common for high-conflict divorces to experience difficulty reaching an agreement over issues like custody, alimony, distribution of marital assets, or even divorce in the first place.
Because divorcing someone with BPD can be so contentious, you should always seek legal advice from a divorce and family law attorney as soon as you decide to file for divorce. A trusted family law attorney can assist you in finding strategies to navigate your high-conflict divorce as smoothly as possible.
Maintaining boundaries during the divorce
People with borderline personality disorder may make hurtful accusations to preserve their self-image. When your spouse with BPD learns that you intend to file for divorce, they may lash out due to feelings of anxiety, anger, or abandonment. For example, if your spouse with BPD has engaged in unsafe sex with others, they might accuse you of doing the same.
Your spouse may threaten or insult you to goad you into reconciliation or reactive behavior that damages your credibility in court. When accusations of substance abuse or reckless driving are present, divorce and custody issues can become even more contentious.
For these reasons, setting boundaries that protect your safety and peace of mind during a high-conflict divorce is crucial.
Limit communication throughout the divorce. Make it clear that you will not discuss your marriage or divorce without an attorney present. If necessary, an experienced divorce and family law attorney can help you set communication guidelines that lessen conflict.
When communication without a divorce lawyer present is absolutely necessary, consider communicating in writing. Keep the conversation straightforward and simple, ignoring any off-topic or overly emotional messages to keep the discussion on track. Communicating via text or email also allows you to take a breather if your spouse becomes aggressive.
Even if your spouse with BPD bombards you with excessive phone calls and texts, don’t deviate from the boundaries you and your family law attorney set. Remember, you’re going through this process to permanently cut ties with this person. Giving the person with BPD any hope of reconciliation is misleading and unkind.
Other steps to take
Divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder can feel overwhelming. Minimize your stress by choosing a divorce and family law attorney who is familiar with the extra challenge that a high conflict divorce presents.
At Dughi, Hewit & Domalewski, our compassionate family law attorneys are dedicated to reaching a fair and equitable resolution, even when one spouse suffers from a mental illness. We value the attorney-client relationship and are sympathetic to the struggles that come with divorcing a spouse with BPD.
Over the last 40 years, our divorce lawyers have built a solid reputation for being transparent, tactful, and client-focused. Contact us today for your free consultation to gain a better understanding of your options before you file for divorce.
